Water Under The Bridge
by meethzoonk
Summary: Although years of living with the youkai Lord Sesshoumaru may have blunted her human heart, Rin never cared. But after the remorse of her first kill, could she still seize it back? RinSess. [Oneshot]


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Disclaimer : Do I look like Takahashi Rumiko to you? No? Good, cause I'm no owner of Inuyasha.  
**Warning : **Rated R for limey sequences and chara death (though it's probably no one you would cry over). Oh, and keep in mind that Rin is 18 here.. she's of age.. or is she?  
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WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE

  
It was near dawn, and the cave had begun to fill with light.

She squinted her eyes sleepily and rolled over in the darkness until her bare shoulder touched his. They had slept with their clothes tangled around them, using them for warmth and cover aside from their own bodies. She pressed herself against the person beside her, relaxing to the warmth of his skin and the softness of his silvery white hair. He was awake, she knew that, from the unsteady rise and fall of his chest, although his eyes remained closed and his lids, unstirred.

She breathed slowly and placed one small hand on his chest, feeling the balanced rhythm of his heart and closed her eyes, willing herself to compare his heart's pounding with hers. It was different of course: his was calm and silent by the surface, like a closed shell, hiding something lethal beneath it; whereas her own was rapid and so full of life that it hurt. She pondered wether the beatings of their two hearts could ever be the same. The heart of a human and a youkai. A pang in her chest made her slightly doubt it.

"Rin,"

His voice came abruptly, and she leaned on his good arm hastily, desperate to greet his call. "Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

Sesshoumaru opened his eyes and simply glanced sideways at her. "Rin," he repeated, his voice in a rougher form. His eyes deepened, piercing its stare into her own set of eyes. It was the same lustful look he gave her last night, she realized, just mere seconds after the first time she kissed him. A long, meaningful, penetrating stare from the cold grey eyes that said so little and hid so much, yet somehow she could positively guess what it meant :

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Mate

A faint little shudder ran through Rin. That simple sideway glance proved itself not so simple after all. Slowly, she leaned forward to his face, intenting to kiss him...

"It's amusing how you have no sense of guilt after what you have done last night." He suddenly spoke up.

And Rin immediately jerked away from him, taken back. Obviously, Sesshoumaru wasn't talking about what _they_ did last night. She crossed her hands across her chest, covering herself. "I learned that from _you_ Sesshoumaru-sama, didn't I?" she retorted, feeling a little annoyed.

He raised an eyebrow but did not smile. "Are you regretting it? The fact that you have soiled your hand with another's blood, do you not feel the slightest guilt about it? I gave you the golden chance to wash that blood off you, but you did not take it."

"Guilt was none of my concern," she answered flatly. "But it will be if you keep pushing me. And you're pushing me hard."

He raised his hand and caressed the side of her face. His cold fingers raked roughly against her skin. "So you agree that you are worthy of the blame?" he said, and his hand slid to the back of her neck. "You _are_ still a human child."

She flinched. "Don't say that."

"Then correct me if I'm wrong."

Rin set her mouth in a straight line, not daring to say anything that might sound out wrong. But her hard eyes reflected her own passive feelings, the words she desperately wanted to say but couldn't because she knew perfectly well they were words of her own selfish mind. Maybe he was right. She was still a human child after all.

A bleak of triumph flashed within Sesshoumaru's eyes and Rin realized she had been silent for almost a minute. She also realized that she had not been able to take back his last words to her. Then correct me if I'm wrong, he had said. And she did not do it. Her silence was all the answer he needed.

"Now," Sesshoumaru said, his hand still on the back of her neck. "Let's continue what was undesiredly disrupted earlier.."

Then Sesshoumaru pulled her down so that she lay crosswise on top of him and kissed her on the mouth, with such urgency that she gasped against his lips. Yet she opened her mouth under his, welcoming the kiss, welcoming his touch. She tasted like dried blood, he thought. He licked his own lips and she made a whimpering sound when he began to kiss her her cheek, her throat, and her breasts, savouring every tangy flavour that had coated her and himself from the night before.

Rin was half-surprised by these enhanced actions of his. He played rough this time. He did not nurse her as he did before, at which he had not forced her when she shivered fearfully against him and had guided her well when she was at loss. However, this time he played a different role. This time he was the alpha male, and he was completely in charge.

He slipped his hand between her thighs - and she stifled a gasp. His fingers slowly crawled upwards - and she heard herself moan.

From somewhere inside her, Rin wanted to scream in frustation as he bit on her lips. He was hers now, just as he had been last night, but there was something within him that she still could not reach. Not then, not now. Even though they were skin on skin, with legs tangled among each other, and he was seconds away from thrusting himself inside her, a part of him remained untouched by her.

It isn't fair, she thought as the tongue that was teasing the lobe of his ear and outlining it with such delicacy licked her own dry lips. Although they were as close as the could be, she could not read what was on his mind. She acted blindly around him like a fool while he seemed to know exactly what she was thinking. And just when she felt this sheer strike of panic, Rin felt his lips giving soft, light kisses on her shoulder as if trying to sooth her, calming her down in an instant, preparing her for the best bliss that is yet to come.

His hand ran restlessly up her body. Up her neck and then down, his fingertips tracing the sensitive skin of her collarbone lightly before going lower to her lowest part. She gripped her hands on his shoulders and threw her head back with an erratic groan.

Then all of a sudden, he was pushing himself inside her.

Rin gasped and sat up on him. His hand played on her hips before stroking her bare stomach with moisty goodness. An strange feeling seem to sweep her off her feet as she began to feel a little more heated, a little more sweaty.

"Sesshoumaru-sama..." she writhed passionately, slowly adapting to his quickened moves.

Sesshoumaru took notice of her. He pulled her down by her neck and when her face reached his, he stuck his tongue out and gingerly licked the skin. His hand continued to travel downwards, striking his ardent fingers along her back to her waist where it daringly laid to rest. His mouth suckled at the sweetly scent on her neck, while his thrusts became more controlled now as it continued deeper in rhythmic motions. After a while, he went deeper, faster, harder, and-

He stopped.

Rin blinked at him. "Sesshoumaru.. sama..?" she managed to let out a startled gasp.

Sesshoumaru was wearing an expression on his face Rin had never seen before. At least, that look was never given to her. Years of living with her master had given her the ability to decipher what his expressions and actions meant. Yet this certain expression, to her utmost horror, meant something she could not possibly take if it was truly true.

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Regret

Gently, Sesshoumaru pushed Rin off him and he got up to his feet, calmly picking up the remains of his clothes and covering himself necessarily with it.

"Rin, I thank you for deciding to be my mate." he said with his back at her. "But I should be honest with you. It may sound a bit rich coming from me, but.. I am not fond of where this is going."

For a moment, Rin was very concious of the cold air around her. "A-Are you sure?" she managed to mutter. Her voice was shaking, and fainter than usual. "W-Well I, if Sesshoumaru-sama doesn't want Rin then maybe Rin should leave you.."

"Leave, then." said the youkai, although he did not mean it.

Rin couldn't help but feel that an arrow had went through her heart. Her dignity was falling. She was being dismissed so easily. "B-But - but at least, please, tell me why!!" she cried out, "Is it because I'm human and you're not? Am I not fitting enough for you?"

"You should understand that this has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't care less if you were physically like Jyaken. Nevertheless..."

"Jyaken?" Rin stood up, and without even bothering to cover herself, walked up to him. "Is this because of what I-"

"Look at yourself, Rin." Sesshoumaru interrupted firmly. "You're covered in blood. Too much blood. All those blood has blinded you.. and part of it is mine to blame."

Rin stood where she was, remembering what she was feeling this morning and throughout the night in the act of their love-making; ..._moist and sweaty_. Unfortunately, what had dampened her then wasn't only sweat.

She looked down at herself.

And sure enough, there, were great big splotches of blood. All over her hands. All over her bare body. It was as if someone had splattered red paint all over her. She stared. There was quite a lot of blood. How could she have not realized something like this?

"Do you understand now?" said Sesshoumaru, and this time he had turned around, facing her.

"It's only blood." Rin pointed out. Her tone, defensive. "And I still don't understand. I'm sorry for being overly kinky, but it's not like _you_ haven't been covered in blood before, Sesshoumaru-sama."

He drew in his breath, sounding like someone who was inches away from giving up. "Like I said, part of it is mine to blame. You have changed, Rin. And yours is not a good change." Sesshoumaru added, "I could hate you for changing."

Rin whitened. "But - I - I -" she spluttered, then stopped, as if something was caught in her throat.

But I learned everything from you. You never faltered when you had to spill another's blood. You never cared if you grabbed somebody's life and took it away. I was there. I saw you do everything you did. That's why I don't care if a gallon of blood were to be spilled on me. I don't care if I had to kill an entire village if you told me to. I would do anything for you without even depending on what it is. I'm sorry if you don't like seeing me like this and I will change for you. But I only killed Jyaken. Only Jyaken.

But of course Rin didn't mention anything in the above, although the words and sentences were screaming inside her head. When she did say something, it was the fearful worry that had been in the farthest corner of her mind her since the day before;

"Don't hate me…"

Her voice cracked at the words. She felt the tears stinging at the back of her eyes and wearily tried to hold them back. She did not want to cry. She did not want to look weak in front of Sesshoumaru. Because she is _not_ weak.

"Maybe I'm being selfish," Rin said finally. "But it's because I love you and I don't want to lose you even if I don't... even if I can't..." she paused, and Sesshoumaru waited, knowing this was no time to interrupt. "Even if I can't give anything to you right now."

Everything around them fell silent for a while.

"Can you really not give anything to me now?" Sesshoumaru said, his voice as cool as ice. "All I want now, is your regret. Your guilt. Your human honor. Do you still have that?"

Rin wanted to yes. Desperately. But she knew that if she did, she would be lying to him.. again. She did not feel guilty. Not even a drop of it. But shivers of regret start to steadily climb up him as Sesshoumaru suddenly leaned closer to her and pointed to her clothes.

"Cover yourself," he said, not bothering to wait for her answer anymore. He kissed her on the forehead - which made Rin's eyes go wide by surprise - and then added in a tired voice, "Please leave me in peace, Rin. I need some time alone, as should you. Find your guilt, Rin. Understand it."

As Rin left the cave, an overwhelming feeling of crime, error, and hurt rushed throughout herself like a wave.

Oh Lord, what have I done to myself? What have I done?

**

Sesshoumaru looked down at the corpse at her feet, the murder blade that lay beside it, and then the hands that killed it. Such young hands. He never thought the hands that had helped him live so many years ago was capable of slaying.

"Why," he started. "did you kill Jyaken, Rin?"

Rin was on the ground, her knuckles white, and her head bent down as if ashamed to see her master. Fresh blood covered her white skin and her clothing, staining the effect of what had once appeared to Sesshoumaru as a radiant, young maiden.

"I-I.. he tried to k-kill me." Rin answered in gasps of sobs, "He s-said I was distracting you.. that I-I could be a threat to you.. I was your soft spot, he said.. a-and that I shouldn't be let alive.."

Sesshoumaru gazed at the frail woman before him. Her clothes, her skin, her silky black hair was so full of blood it looked sickly disgusting to him. "I smell lies, Rin."

There was an fearful edge in her sobbings as he said that. "I-I'm sorry… I'm sorry… b-but I can't! I can't tell you why, but I had to! I had to kill him!"

Without further ado, he took out his sword, Tenseiga, and swung it towards the remains of the deceased.

Rin stopped sobbing and stared.

"To bring him back," Sesshoumaru said in a mirthless tone, his sword still pointed to the corpse. "Is that what you want?"

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Yes. Rin almost nodded, but it was as if a third shadow had suddenly taken over her and answered in her place. "No," she replied, and she froze at the coldness of her own voice.

Sesshoumaru widened his eyes slightly, stunned, although he did not show it. "No? You shall let him die then?"

"_Yes_" said Rin, in the same cold voice.

And Sesshoumaru slid his sword back in its rightful place. "It was your choice, Rin." he said to her, "Your own choice."

**

Yes, he was right. It _was_ her own choice.

Her own pointless choice.

Pointless…

Rin laid down by the riverbed where she was hugging herself by one arm and let the other sink in the water. She was wearing the bloodstained clothes she wore yesterday at her act of murder, and the blood on it had dried, quicker than she thought it would. Her face was dazed, confused, and she felt lost. Truly misdirected, without her master around her, especially during times like these when she needed him the most.

Oh no, no, Sesshoumaru did not leave her. He had said he needed some time alone, and that she might need it too. He was right, of course, like he usually was to her. She did need some time alone. For the sake of herself. Her former self. Her human self.

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"Find your guilt, Rin. Understand it." her master had said to her.

And did she find it? Oh yes, of course she did. Like an obedient child to her parent, she was determined to find guilt as soon as possible. Unluckily enough, she needn't wait long. Guilt was all over her the moment she stepped out that cave. And oh, it felt horrible. A pang of distress in her soul. She understood it quite fast.

The reason why she killed Jyaken was quite simple, really. It was out of love. But then again, there was nothing simple about love. Rin loved Sesshoumaru, so much that it became a vile yearning. A hunger that caused unbelievable pain if she is separated from him. And Jyaken, knowing that, intended exactly what she had feared. Yet she could not let that happen, could she? That is why she killed Jyaken. That is the reason, that is why.

But Rin had lost, Jyaken. She had lost to you. Can you see the white flag soaring above her head? Although guilt-ridden and filled with regret, Rin knew there was nothing else she could do to cover that hole in her heart. What's done is done. It was like that old saying, she thought as she ran her fingers through the crystal clear water of the river. Ah, what was it again?

Oh yes, water under the bridge.

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…the end…

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And that, people, is a wrap! Thanks for reading! You've probably guessed this, but this is actually my very first lemon. Is it obvious? I don't know, I've never written anything like this before. Pretty kinky for my first, huh? Egad! Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

So, what do you think? Sad? Sexy? Roaring with laughter? Please tell me how I did; feedbacks, comments, mild flames, and just-checking kind of reviews are always welcome! Thanks. =*


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